Back to Work? – ChooseToChallenge 2

There was a back to work video where actress Keira knightly was asked “how do you feel returning to work after having baby? do you miss your baby?”

She immediately responded “Are you going to ask men the same question?”

(Note: not verbatim, the actual conversation may be different but this was gist of the conversation)

I did not understand that reaction. When I returned to work, I was missing my baby terribly and was yearning to talk to someone about it. If someone asked me same question, I would have launched a monologue on the topic. At-least that is how I felt when I watched the video. I did not understand her reaction.

I put it in a bucket of ‘list of things I don’t understand right now, maybe with more context and more background, it would make sense to me’ and moved on.

Several months later, I went to a Salon to do a personal care task I was putting away for a long time. The actually task takes 8 mins. and frequency was based on my bandwidth and obviously husband available to babysit the kiddo.

Visit1
X: “How is your baby? who is watching the baby?”
Me: “My husband.”
X: “Wow, you are so lucky.”
Me thinking: ‘mmm, that is a subjective statement based on perceived appearance and confirmation and gender stereotyping bias’ but obviously did not say that aloud

Months later:
Visit2: (husband walking nearby with child)
X: ‘Is your husband watching your baby again?, He is so amazing’
Me thinking: okayyyyy…

Another visit:
Visit3:
X: ‘Where is your baby? who is taking care of your baby?’
Me thinking: Ahhh, Now I get it.

Now don’t insult my brain and say ignorant stuff like ‘Ignore X and move on’. This is just a drop in ocean of the stereotyping that happens in a parents life. Plus the conversation is not verbatim and intensity is dialed down.

I jumped out when I was done, ran to my husband and asked him “Hey when you go for haircut, does anyone ask you – ‘who is taking care of your baby’?”

He blinked and said “why would someone ask me that?”
Me: “tell me please, did they ask even one-time”
Him: “No, obviously not”

It is 21st century, and still we find ways to guilt-trip moms for what? 8-mins of self-care in a month or 2-month period??

I am completely aware I have unfair advantage (or privileged), I am not going to contest that (even-though to reach that state, I did work hard and continue to work hard.)

However, it is high-time we stop putting moms down constantly and expect them to be sole caregiver of children and give up their life, self-care, their dreams and mostly importantly their identity! And then expect them to be respectful, kind and patient after stripping basics & necessities away from them

All genders are capable of childcare perfectly well (except childbearing and direct nursing). Charity begins at home, start looking inward and work on changing life around you, than expecting others to fall for stereotyped life forever. And please stop fighting with those, who are fighting the stereotyping because that is going to keep delaying the progress for all of us.