It was a rough day for both of us. It started suddenly and for some reason, my toddler had multiple meltdowns the entire day and I could not figure out what was going on.
Just last week, I found an answer to one puzzle my toddler threw at me and it got resolved and we had breathed a sigh of relief and things were going so well. Hence this sudden turn of events left me unprepared and unequipped to handle the stress of all of it.
After another rough morning, went to work and during lunch another team invited me to come along for lunch. Usually I eat at my desk to save time, but that day went with team. Topic of lunch conversation?
Toddler meltdowns. I vented long almost the entire lunch session on things that were going on recently (2 days). I wanted to stop venting, but could not, it felt so good to talk about it and vent about it with another parent who shared their story and we kept exchanging stories. Unfortunately there were two more folks – and I felt guilty for venting in front of them – they had probably decided never to become parents after listening to our vent session.
While I continued to fell the guilt, what I did not realize was that vent was my first reset of the day.
The rest of the afternoon, felt lighter as if a veil was lifted and as I left work and drove back home – I made a mental note that I had to solve this puzzle soon – since it was hard on both me and the toddler.
Reset 2:
As I rushed into the daycare, I realized I had forgotten about the session on raising kids – (privilege alert: This is where I have be aware of the privilege – the access to the right resources – which our previous generation may not have had and many of the current generation may not have either).
After fighting with another guilty discussion in my mind – should I take kiddo home since I missed kid all day – or walk into the session and listen. After 2 mins battle of this discussion – I decided that going home is not going to help either of us and wanted to give the session a try. It was the first time I had given myself permission to be away from kiddo other than work. Mostly guilt won and I would rush home with the kiddo to make up for lost time.
At the end of the session the speaker stayed back for some questions. As I still had the guilt of venting during lunch, this time I choose my words carefully – trying not to place the blame on my kid – it was quite a struggle – so with lot of uhs I said
‘Things were going so well, but uh, I don’t know what I am missing, but suddenly the meltdown increased last 2 days. I, uh, I think there is something going on, but I cannot put my finger on it. I am sure I am missing a tool or uh something… What should i do, how do i find an answer to what is going on?’
She immediately said ‘Toddlers as they grow older, like to have some control of the situation, it is possible there is something kiddo is telling you but since language is not developed, the intentions are not clear, kiddo’s needs are not met, and hence all of this is causing the meltdown’
Immediately a light bulb went in my head ‘aha, I had read about this, control and choices’
She nodded, and I could sense feeling lighter again – the stress was melting – because I was starting to break the ice and take a peek at what was going on. My mind was not stressed and hence it was not blocked anymore. That was second reset of that day – knowledge gain and a break from routine
Reset 3:
By now, obviously, it was late and I went and picked up kiddo and hugged kiddo – since it was first time we were delayed beyond regular pick up hours. kiddo was tired and sleepy already and we had pizza – since I knew kiddo was going to sleep and won’t be awake till we get home for me to make dinner and eat. That was reset 3. Lack of rushing and stressing to make dinner before kiddo falls asleep especially during that phase (age).
Reset 4:
As expected, kiddo was fully asleep when I reached home. Put kiddo to bed and I remember just sitting in sofa and doing nothing – no rushing to put bags away – no rushing to wash vessels and complete evening chores and other work commitments, no screen-time or calls – nothing – just sat there for few mins – and unconsciously reflecting on the day and marveling at the Eureka moment from the session. Just few mins of quiet time.
Reset 5:
Because it had been an exhausting week overall, I decided to skip the evening chores for that day – made backup plan for next day cooking which would not use the vessels in the sink so skipped washing vessels. This had huge impact in terms of rest – the fact that I did not have to rush around or run around frantically trying to complete everything before evening call and just give myself a break. It was like winning an award.
Why so much focus and breaking an evening into multiple resets – I could have simply said ‘i skipped all chores’, but no,, different period had different impact. Usually we are running on wheels as parents – we have no time to sit or relax or pause.
That day, I had the privilege of multiple resets – starting with a lunch break and ending with skipping evening chores. That is not possible for all of us or on all days. However if you can try to squeeze in one reset on hard days – even if it is just coming back home and not rushing right back to another shift and just sitting in sofa for 10 mins – it makes a huge difference.
There is research that shows that wandering mind is more creative – it helps solve problems – easy example – read up history of Eurekha word – or even Newton discovery of gravity. Both discoveries were made in moment of quiet and contemplation. Not when when they were running around frantically.
Now, did this reset, help solve the puzzle? What do you think?
References:
- https://www.nationalgeographic.org/article/isaac-newton-who-he-was-why-apples-are-falling/ – “he described his years on hiatus as “the prime of my age for invention.””
- Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – Reset to 0, Part 1
- Respectful Parenting – Finding resources