Have you watched the YES Man movie. I don’t remember much of the movie details now but a mans life changed completely after he stopped having reservations and said YES to everything – whether he liked it or not – of course there are some elements in there for comedy so don’t try this without supervision in real life 😂
However this movie pretty much applies to a new parents life
Biologically we are programmed to protect our offsprings, but we have no handbook on how to go about it
As new parents, we absolutely panic at everything
- Baby tries to climb sofa – panic.
- Baby tries to touch broom – panic
- Baby tries to touch folded laundry – panic and stress
Of course the cause of panic is different in every situation and mostly we mean well
Eg. Broom has dirt and germs and we want kid to be safe and protected
Eg. We just folded the laundry and we are already damn exhausted and want to just hit the bed when the cute toddler comes and shakes off all the folded laundry – I get it – it is most stressful thing in a mom’s or sole caregivers life
Why do kids do that – they are biologically programmed to do that for few reasons :
1. Schemas where they have such burning desire to master an activity over and over again and test their new found skills
2. Increased mobility and awareness and visibility which enables them to do certain things they could not do before – Eg ability to walk , pincer grasp
3. More importantly which we mostly fail to realize, they are also biologically tuned to follow us and learn how to survive – think of cave days where we would mostly be walking around finding food to eat and toddling babies following suit
Which brings us to the prepared environment which is the cause of most of the stress. In simple terms we have setup the house for an adult with normal height to navigate and live life but made it super hard for a toddler to live – this is a big topic in itself – so I will not elaborate on this post
Of course some of these protective instincts may still be valid –
Eg not allowing kid to eat sand – because sand in today’s world may contain pesticides or animal excrements – depending on location of sand
Or not allowing a young baby who is mouthing – to play with store bought kids paints – since it may contain chemicals
However as kids grow up these rules need to be relaxed gradually.
Termed as helicopter parents , some of us have such a hard time letting go and let kid grow with different experiences. This causes so much rift in our relationship with our toddler – since they have a hard time trusting us when we keep blocking everything they do – which is one of the main causes of toddler meltdowns.
The reason I can relate to this well is , I WAS THAT MOM.
I am the one who seriously considered buying a bubble-wrap type suit and helmet ensemble to keep my toddling toddler safe
However thankfully I am growing out of it, still not 100% out of it , but when I compare myself to last year, definitely there has been a huge learning curve
I highly encourage you to evaluate the rules you have for your toddler. Ask yourself few questions
- Is it safe for baby and others? Eg kid throwing hard object is obviously unsafe for baby and others. However a kid trying to help you clean the floor – this is safe assuming baby does not put trash in mouth.
- Is it the law ? Eg kid required to be in car seat in some countries
- Is the child ready ? Obviously we are NOT going to let a baby drive a car or manage hot oil in stove, but if kid wants to wash vessels with us – maybe YES mom?
- Is it too wasteful? When we are pressed for resources, we may put a more hard limit – eg using food as sensory play materials is subjective – and I try not to do it unless it is expired food. However letting a toddler wash their own hands – YES mom with some limits.
A toddlers time is best utilized by encouraging a child to do the practical activities with us with some limits and some minor re-planning.
Eg. If you are hard pressed for time , instead of folding entire laundry in front of child, I would just reserve 3-4 items to fold in front of child from the time they can roll or crawl
That way you do not have to worry if child messes with it and you child gets exposed to practical life with you. As child grows older well into toddlerhood, they become aware that this is one of your activities and will gleefully join you
Eg 2. if you are worried about kid mouthing paint, use natural materials like curd with natural food colors or home made play-doughs to get same sensory experience in small doses. If you do not want to waste resources, letting them self-feed as babies will automatically cover the sensory experience part.
Eg 3. let kid join you in washing vessels on some days with just 2-3 items in sink
Trust me, this is the hardest thing I have learned in my journey with my toddler. To let go of fears, to let my toddler be part of my daily life, to let toddler do activities that make them truly independent.
Is it stressful – Yes, but with time and loads of practice and setting firm limits it becomes more manageable as time goes by. In fact to be honest, it gets better as time goes on than when I was a helicopter mom.
Now does becoming a YES mom mean we let toddler do whatever they want? Absolutely NOT. This post is already a lengthy one, hence I will have another post on setting firm limits.
As always, let me know if there is any part you need further explanation.
PS:
I have used mom in several places instead of referring to caregiver. Apologies for gender stereotyping, I have tried to include caregiver in as many places as possible.