One fine freezing cold winter evening, my toddler refused to sit in car seat. That is it. I just stood there in the cold dark night, trying to convince my toddler into the seat. Since that was already a rough week for us, and I had already done forcing into car seat in the morning, i had no energy left or intent to force my kid into car seat again in the evening. We just stood there in the freezing cold rain, completely in the dark for almost 30 mins and I actually had to get someone to help me entice my kid into car seat.
Once back home, and after finishing our night routine and all pending work for that day, I took to google again. I neither liked the forcing and eventual screaming nor the waiting in the cold rain for 30 mins.
I need some method that worked – real fast and right next day. I landed on Janet Lansbury blog – which had lot of info, but there was one hidden point in that blog that stuck in my head. And that is how I discovered this – Get Set Go method (🙄😳🤠)
Next day, I woke up 30 mins early – every time we have a rough time in the morning routine, I try to wake up early until I can fix it. That way I have more time to try things out and still manage to be on time. It still does not work out on some days and causes some delays, at-least I have the peace of mind that I tried my best.
Step 1: Get
When it was time for my kid to sit in car seat, I picked up kid and said in clear, calm and almost confident voice
“Dear I know we are having a rough week, I know it is hard on you, however, we need to go now and for us to be on time, I am going to put you in carseat now.”
Step 2: Set
After saying that, I scooped up kid in one quick motion, no distractions, no deviations, put the kid in car seat, and strapped on the belts.
When the kid resisted and was upset, I empathized and acknowledged it – ‘i know you are upset dear, I am sorry, but we have to go and we have to go now. So I HAVE to put you in car seat’
Step 3: Go
Now, that was easier said that done, because kid was still upset and resisting to sit, and tried various methods like ‘I just need to see the cars’ or ‘I just need one more hug’ or ‘I want to walk’ etc.
However I struck with it, did not delay, did not step back, did not go back, just put the kid in car seat, empathized when kid was upset, and went forward to next step – strapping kid in car seat, going to my seat – strapping myself and starting the car – all the while empathizing with the kid.
And I was honestly surprised to say that kid cried for few mins – barely 1 or 2 mins – but after few mins kid moved on – and started looking at objects outside and started talking about it.
How in the world did that work?
This was totally opposite of what happened yesterday. Yesterday I acknowledged kids request for one more hug, and one more view of cars, and one more request for walk, however the previous day the kiddo cried for entire journey and was upset for longer and eventually tired from being upset.
I had thought that letting kid do what they want would make the process smoother, however what I did not realize was, that these are delaying tactics that the kid is using to avoid what they are reluctant to do.
As a respectful parent, I did allow the delaying tactics assuming I was doing the right thing, however the longer the event was delayed, it just made the event even more anxious and upsetting for the kid.
Plus, every-time I acknowledged the request and took kid out – it was causing more confusion in kids mind. The act of me putting the kiddo in car seat and (when kid asked for something) taking kiddo back and forth – it indicated to the kid that I am not confident in what I am doing – there was this back and forth confusion that lingered – causing more stress for the kiddo.
If mom is not confident in what she is doing and taking me back and forth, how can I trust mom and sit in this seat?
Which is why – when I put the kid in one swift motion, it was crystal clear what I was doing, my calm and confident voice settled the kiddo and it helped kid bounce back quickly.
To summarize:
- Confidence on yourself and doing it in one shot works wonders. or Get Set Go!
- Say once, do the act and go. Just go. Don’t hesitate, don’t come back, don’t delay, and no further negotiations, no tracing steps back.
- Keep moving forward (remember Meet the Robinson’s? :D)
- If possible use same set of words or language every time, consistency really helps – I used the words above in bold every time I put kiddo in car seat.
- Anytime we hesitate, kids gets confused and continue to keep you holding back and this leads to more meltdown.
- Just Get Set Go!!!
This can be applied in any situation where you expect a meltown
- kiddo enjoying a party or friend visit or shop and refusing to leave
- kiddo playing in playground to the point of exhaustion and refusing to come
- When you have to leave kid with someone trustworthy and go
Note:
Of course, this has to be used in conjunction with advance notice method and / or countdown method. No point surprising a kid enjoying in playground.
Note2:
This is referenced in several respectful parenting methods. Janet calls this confident momentum and in Montessori, it is referred to as setting the limit. The concept exists in lot of spaces, however I tend to apply something more if I can relate to it. Hence sharing my experience. This was another defining moment in my parenting life where I started transitioning from a helicopter parent