This was a huge lesson for me as well and hence sharing this more as an awareness and if you are not following it, it is still a good to know and hope it plants a seed in your mind and takes fruition soon – the way it did for me.
I had already shared my thoughts on self-feeding kids before I embraced it fully. I had earlier thought self-feeding felt like baby is ignored and made to fend for themselves and felt bad for them. Now I have transitioned fully to self-feeding and do not think it is a fad or indication of parents ignoring a child.
One of the constant battles as a helicopter-mom is to fight the nurtured-instincts – which was imbibed by media and cultural norms – with the natural instincts – where your inner voice constantly keeps reminder you – mmmm this seems right, why don’t I try this.
Taking the topic of self-feeding since this is more relatable than other skills a kid would learn (e.g. putting their clothes or helping with household tasks) and impact is more visible and I have been between two ends of the pendulum as far as this skill is concerned.
Even though I had been self-feeding for a while now, I have to constantly reassess myself and tell myself – ‘I love my baby. I choose to let go of the control. self-feeding does not mean I don’t love my baby.’
E.g. we were reading a quite recent book, in which two moms were feeding their child Pongal and my kid came up to me and asked ‘amma, why is the mom feeding by spoon’. Thankfully I was prepared for this and said ‘different homes have different methods, here they are following different method of feeding’ and my kid walked away. (Note: I was very careful not to choose words like ‘I love you, so I do this’ since that would negate and mean other choices are result of lack of love)
With the experience of self-feeding, one would think it is easy to let go of other nurtured habits, but it has not been as easy for me.
Easy example: During covid and work from home, my kids snack time was often delayed because I would have meeting at the same time. It took me long time of guilt, but finally a bulb clicked recently and I realized, ‘hey, wait a minute, my kiddo loves opening fridge and taking things, kiddo loves washing fruits, why not I ask kid to get the snack?’
So I asked. ‘can you take fruit from fridge, wash it, and eat it. take only what you need’
You should have seen the happiness and sense of accomplished the minute I said that. Kiddo jumped up, ran to fridge, picked up few fruits and washed it and sat down to eat it happily. I was asked to help whenever stuck, but it was done, it was not delayed anymore. … Did it work everyday? – no, but it worked that day – one small win.
And I immediately felt guilty ‘oh poor kid, serving snack on their own, while I was supposed to help’
Okay, let us shake our head – like that dog drenched in water. Shake, Shake, Shake it off, Shake it off
In Montessori world, kids as young as 18 are encouraged and allowed to prepare their own snack (fruits) – when it is safe of-course, which means they have the skills and we are nurturing those skills. Tasks like this actually helps kids to be autonomous. So why I am feeling this guilt? That was my nurtured instincts fighting to stay on.
I choose to challenge this. Obviously some of these points need their own posts to elaborate, but they are all tied to letting go of this nurtured instincts.
- I am not a bad parent for choosing to give control to my child.
- This is hard for me, but I will continue to watch and learn, I will continue to fight the nurtured instincts – especially when it forces me to be helicopter parent
- Will the kid love me once they are completely independent? – well, I hope so, that my kid loves me in spite of being independent.
- What is my self-worth if I don’t handhold my kid – what is my purpose? my purpose is to show how the ropes and nothing more, nothing less.
Note:
I am perfectly aware our choices are sometimes controlled by our privileges and this is not so easy for lot of parents – since they have to not just fight their internal voices but external voices as well. Hence be kind to yourself if this is an uphill battle.