PS: dusting out an old post from drafts
How often do you say ‘I am fine’ when someone asks you ‘how are you doing?’.
Even though you are ready to burst into tears, or stressed to the core, exhausted to the bone and aching to rest?
How often they have actually believed you? A lot of times. Unless they know you well and can immediately detect your emotions or physical wellness, they are going to believe you and move on to next topic.
These are the adults – that is us. We have grown up to ignore our natural instincts, and sometimes in the name of privacy as well, we let go of the obvious signs and move past them. Sometimes cultural differences or biases play their part and we have no idea, absolutely no idea what is going on in others mind or others life. Social media does a great job of masking someones real life as well since mostly it shows highlight reel.
With technology advancements, there are devices like lie detectors, there are also naturally great observers who are well aware of cues that a human can display. e.g. Some people may show tell-tale signs when they lie.
For most part though, we are quite terrible at relating to others emotions and empathy is a eroding skill.
Or that is what I thought until I had a baby!
It took me a while to figure this out and I had to literally chart this out for a period of few days & months , but I could map some of the bad toddler meltdowns to the times I was going through a health issue, or under physical or emotional stress.
Some easy examples that I could quickly chart out –
- If I was having a hard pms, there were bound to be more meltdowns.
- Pandemic – juggling managing work from home with a young child with so many unknowns – more meltdowns.
But – there was a but – even though some english experts say that a sentence should not start with but, there was a big but.
But the meltdown were not always there every time I was physically exhausted
Obviously, I had to test it out to understand what was going on, but by now, I had started unraveling parts of the puzzle and starting to figure this out.
When I got the next severe PMS, I shuffled somethings – mainly related to my workload – I made quick lunch or used leftover for meals or got food from outside, I skipped all physically exhausting tasks on that day (no vessels washing), and I tried some breathing techniques that can reduce stress. Also got up little ahead – which seemed counter-intuitive, since I was unwell, but since I was bound to be slower than usual, I wanted to have more time so we can be ready on time.
That day when we were getting ready to head out, instead of constantly reminding my kid to come on time, I just sat near the door (no energy to stand :)) and said calmly ‘We need to go in 5 mins, I am going to wait here for you, come here when you are ready’. and I just sat there without rushing, but more importantly without worrying that we are going to be late. I was well aware that we may be late if we do not go out in 5 mins, but I did not let that thought consume me and focussed on something else.
Surprise Surprise, kiddo finished activity in about 2 mins and shuffled over to me and sat down on me (ouch), I put our socks and shoes and we got up together and headed out. No more words, just quietly headed out.
This was a stark contrast to my past pms timeframes, where I would be kind of running behind kiddo to get out on time, kiddo will be more prone to meltdowns and we would end up being late in-spite of doing everything to avoid it.
Kids are natural lie detectors – they can sense your stress even more than you can sense it yourselves. Many of the Montessori and respectful parenting books explain this so well, but here is what happens (Monk fans pay attention :)) when you are stressed –
Since kids are natural lie detectors – they can sense your stress. When they sense that, they are kind of confused, concerned and they do not understand the emotion themselves which leaves them highly conflicted – and there can be fight or flight response to that.
This also has a huge impact on how much the toddlers can listen to the words we say and implement them – since as far as toddlers are concerned it is not just the words, in fact sometimes words don’t even make sense to them, but our emotions does. Hence even if you are using stronger words like ‘I need you to get here, right now!’, your kid is more a-tuned to your emotional state and not your words or how powerfully you delivered them.
I highly encourage you to map out your stressful times vs likelihood of meltdown and phases where kid does not listen to you.
You would be surprised how many of the meltdowns are closely tied to your own emotions. You will also observe that kid is less likely to listen to you during these periods of stress.
Which is why self-care is much more important if you want to be a respectful parent. You can do what I tried, reduce your workload, or delegate work, or just take a break and let things slide. Definitely learning some stress management techniques goes a long way. Counting down to 10, breathing in or out etc can make a lot of difference.
Next time you are in a unsolvable meltdown mode, remember to take a deep breath – remember that you cannot lie to your child with just words the way we do with adults, relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, blink couple of times, take deep breaths and then repeat the instruction!
Note: This only solves some puzzles regarding meltdown. It is not going to end meltdowns forever since meltdowns can still happen if kids are tired, sleepy, hungry etc. Toddlers stage usually comes with meltdowns and it might be part of their growth. Checking with your pediatrician can always help to understand if the meltdowns are part of their growth milestones.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional, just sharing my experience, when in doubt please contact a professional.