Last week we were once again negotiating about dress choices and since all other tops were out in washing, I was coaxing kiddo to wear the buttoned shirt.
My kiddo right away said, ‘No buttoned shirt.’
Since buttoned shirts or collared shirts are not my favorites either, for me it restricts the freedom of movement, I assumed that is why my kiddo did not like it.
I looked in the closet and found another shirt that was not business casual types and gave it to toddler.
Once again my toddler said ‘No, it has buttons, I don’t want buttons‘, however it was a pullover with just two buttons. This time I assumed the buttons are probably poking my toddler and said
‘oh are the buttons poking you, there are only two buttons on this and they are closer to neck and it won’t poke you when you lay down. can you wear this?
my kiddo once again went ‘No‘,
but this time my kid picked up the shirt and showed me the spot around buttons and continued ‘see, (pointing at the opening near buttons) they are open near button and it is cold out there and it is open here (pointing at opening again)’.
That was quite a smack on my head – a true Montessori parent facepalm moment.
In case you did not get that, let me translate that, during winter or during cold windy days, when you wear buttoned shirt, the chances of cold wind escaping through the gaps in buttoned shirt, and chances of cold wind hitting your body is quite high.
As compared to a non-buttoned shirt – which is why most of winter coats have zippers in there so that no air escapes into your body.
And that analytical logic and that profound cause-and-effect analysis that my toddler had in mind but just then found voice and words to communicate it to me – it made me quite emotional.
I was almost in tears, because I am sure, last year, when my kid said no to buttoned shirt, I might have coaxed kid with distractions or other methods and made kiddo wear it – because I had probably assumed the reasons of refusal to be trivial. I might have thought my kiddo is having another unreasonable meltdown and would not have had foresight to understand the real – analytical and very real reason behind the refusal. I might have assumed that I have best interest of kid and kid does not know anything better and continued to put the shirt on my toddler. Or even worse, I might let my pride or peer pressure of being in control – overtake my parenting and put it on my toddler just to prove I am the elder and kid has to listen to me ‘because I said so’. Or to be fair and truthful, we just don’t have time or mental capacity to even think through this due to our hectic lifestyle.
Babies and toddlers are not stupid, they are not irrational, they are not rude or disobedient, they always, I repeat, they always have a reason for saying no. We are not just tuned in to understand their viewpoint.
Do they get upset because you flushed the toilet, do they get upset because you used blue instead of yellow crayon? and upset next day because you used yellow instead of blue – Yes Of course. There is also a reason for that – which again we are not tuned into and not related to this post.
Point is – just because they cry often or get emotional too often, does not mean they are irrational all the time. 80-90 % of the time, they have a valid point.
And until we understand the reason behind it, and until they find their voice to communicate their thoughts to you, try to become Yes-parent, and more importantly avoid labelling them – because once we label their reactions, we will not be able to see beyond the label and understand their mind.
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