I am sure you have heard, read, and faced this joke in reality on how newbie parents handle their first child, vs second child or subsequent children.
In off chance you aren’t aware, first child is treated like a glass and once they get through the fear and phobias, they become more relaxed and let loose on some of their older beliefs and restrictions.
However it is still hard to let loose and there can be some areas that can be very stressful for parents and sometimes even triggering that you end up wanting to scream.
Let us take an example. probably start with small example. Your toddler, who is now able to walk without falling flat on their face anymore, wants to carry their own water cup. However, you are hesitant, and try to convince child so that you can carry it and a meltdown ensues or you are stressed.
In situations like this, do this exercise – What is the worst that can happen? Think through that:
- wastage : water can fall on floor
- safety : floor may get slippery which can be unsafe
- cleanliness : If it is carpet or rug type floor, it may get wet and get spoiled
- safety : child may trip on the way?
Then prioritize the issues and think of ways to prevent it. The trick to being a respectful parent and fostering independence at the same time is to recognize the fine balance between when to let go and when to set limits.
Prevention or solving the issues:
- wastage : give only 1 ounce of water on the cup? or ask child to carry empty cup and you can pour water in cup once it is in table?
- Safety : if you anticipate slippery floor that is unsafe, keep a big towel or mop by the side, which you can use right away to clean up the spills. I would go for the towel if a child touching your mop is a safety (cleanliness) concern for you.
- Cleanliness : carpet/rug type floor, can you put a waterproof mat on top of it? or any other safe non-slippery options to cover the area? If you don’t have safe option for a mat, having a towel nearby to soak up water can help too.
- Safety : If your kid is still learning to walk, and you have floors and cups that seems unsafe for kid to carry on their own because they are still tumbling, then definitely it can be a set limit activity – meaning not allow child to do an activity if it is unsafe – until your child is ready.
- In this case, you can offer a redirect item until your child is ready – e.g. ‘why don’t I carry the water, and you can help carry the face towel or banana or any other safe item? Get as creative as possible but provide some activity for child to participate in setting the table (not actual table, basically getting ready for the meal).
Once you chart this out, next meal time, your child grabs that cup, you can mentally and quickly run through the if and else conditions and use your preparations (like spare towel) and take a deep breadth and let your child handle it. More importantly, it will help reduce the stress completely and will avoid freaking out and scrambling for right next step when it happens.
In fact, even before your child lunges for that cup, you can act proactively and give a redirect item and you and your proud-little-helper (have you observed, how puffed up and important they get when they help you and do these adult tasks?) can get ready for the meal together.
Obviously this is a simple example but can be applied for any routine tasks that happen. I mostly tackle this way for activities that either causes stress for me or meltdown for toddler – especially when I don’t have the answers right away – and this method helps make it smooth the next time.