Due to bad rep some of the respectful parenting philosophies have in real life – e.g. they are costly to implement or sounds like a fad or trendy or does not sound natural and seems – the key word here is ‘seems’ to be going against the grind or nature.
These are some of common thoughts parents have when they see or read about respectful parenting especially in the photo heavy world.
I went through this journey as well and documented the complete mindset change I had that was born out of necessity in my self feeding journey
However as I learn more about different methods, respectful parenting starts to feels more natural to me. Quick example is Montessori principle of ‘follow the child’ – a simple but profound sentences that speaks volume about being yes-parent, letting go and finding balance to set limits
So why is it hard – why does it feel like such a pressure to follow the trend, why doesn’t it feel natural? – and why do we have to do it?
There are multiple aspects to this mindset, listing them below in no specific order.
1. We have unlearned so many of our natural instincts
Easy example – when kids start to talk full sentences and interact with different people – they are brutally honest – they are not even trying to insult you – they are just being honest in expressing their opinion
I have heard toddlers (not even older kids :D) say things like – I don’t like you or I don’t like this gift – to quote few examples – and it makes me chuckle to hear such honesty.
And what do we tell them ? “Be polite , ssh don’t say that – that is rude”
And thus starts the path of unlearning some of our natural instincts
As adults how often do we struggle to talk directly without being hurtful ? A lot – why?
We unlearned that ability due to social conditioning which is quite different and not even common across cultures
This is a easy example but similarly we have overridden so many of our natural instincts due to different reasons
2. Clash of parenting principles or outdated principles
Remember that wedding party or birthday party or just regular weekday morning rush?
Kid refusing to wear that itchy dress – What is our first fear? And what is the easy judgement?
What is our first response? “kid HAS to wear this”
What is our first fear? “What will people say if kid goes in pajamas”
And what is the easy judgement? “Someone at wedding asking ‘why can’t you make them wear for one day??” or “why can’t you comb your child’s hair?” or “you need to make them do it”
I have experienced this many times – growing up and as a parent.
Once I had a heated argument with another person who said clearly that what I was doing was wrong and she has more experience after birthing and raising kids and multiple grandkids with tough-love and other non-friendly methods.
This was when I tried to be little respectful to my kid and she didn’t agree with that and kept asking me to force my kid into submission – which I flatly refused.
When someone says that they are more experienced and know better or anything similar that strikes a chord – it is hard to stick to your ground
The peer pressure is too much and ends up taking precedence over actual reality and with constant pressure we end up getting blindsided and forget the big picture – it is not easy and sometimes it is not even a choice for lot of new parents who is overloaded with advices and guilt trips
3. Past trauma scarring our parenting
Almost everyone who goes through abuse has an inner voice that tells them – ‘no I don’t deserve this, this is not right’ before their reserve breaks down and they unfortunately start believing that they deserve it
Once the same person becomes a parent though – there is often not much education and exposure to other methods and that inner voice dies down eventually making the same person do similar harsh parenting methods especially when there is lack of support and partnership in parenting
A chat that I recall well
X – “oh my father – it was so scary to be around him – I hated his parenting”
Y – “that must be hard, but maybe that experience has made you to be respectful when raising kids”
X – “what no , I am doing exactly the same, it is hard to manage these kids without yelling or spanking”
You get the drift – not a lot of us can retain that inner voice, manage and get through to other side without past scarring our present. The lack of education about child psychology and social peer pressure would end up driving the same methods which we hated as kids.
4. Learning mindset
There is a joke in Bad Moms movie where she says “once we figure out how to parent, they change all over again and I have no idea what to do” (not verbatim)
It is both an puzzle and challenge when it comes to raising little humans.
I have experienced this as well, where I would have learnt a new method and implement and think it is resting time and then kiddo would throw another puzzle and all of it changes so fast, it was hard to keep up with what was going on.
The first few years there is just so much growth and so many milestones changes and regressions that it is not easy to keep up and can sometimes feel like lost battle.
And since there is no single parenting book that prepares us for this and since we live in nuclear setup and do not have luxury of experiencing this in herd and big family setup, we have to constantly reach out and find answers ourselves.
That is a huge mindset change from past generations where it was thought that education ends when school ends and learning stops there
While in reality in current world, we have to keep learning everyday – which means we have to embrace the reality of growth mindset and seek out answers constantly
5. Parenting guilt
This could be due to peer pressure or fitting into cultural or social norms as well. A example that all of us can relate to is a child’s food eating habits and weight history.
Due to social conditioning, I had wrong idea as well before I became a parent and used to worry about kids if they were lean and think that they are not eating well. I sincerely regret to say that sometimes I inquired about it with the child’s mom. Even though my concern was coming from a place of good intent, I now realize that it would have put an unnecessary pressure on mom.
Imagine a war that goes in a parents head especially when it is filled with external voices on daily basis. It once again strikes a nerve and ends up making us looking for different answers.
6. Incorrect representation in social media.
This is the hardest part. Many parents may be discouraged by the mis-representation in the social media.
If you look for information on Montessori parenting, there is high chance your search ends up with breathtaking pictures of artistic setup and beautiful spaces filled with high-priced items and Montessori teaching materials.
While having a functional and child friendly space is in heart of Montessori parenting (Prepared Environment), because it is again a derivate of ‘follow the child’, it can definitely be achieved with a budget-friendly setup.
E.g. your child shows interest in selecting their own dress – based on ‘follow the child’ and ‘preparing the environment’ to help nourish that skill and need of the child, it is really not a necessity to buy a child-sized wardrobe.
A single rod attached at a child height and few hangers would do the trick.
If that is not possible, a simple basket with 2-3 choices of outfit would work perfectly.
and if that is not possible, simply lift the child to where the clothes are and let kid choose 😀
That is the key part, the Montessori parenting method is more about mindset change to help ‘follow the child’ and relate to the little humans and not a complete re-haul of your home space.
However that can be lost in the social media and discourage newbies from adopting this parenting method.
What can we do?
To be honest, it can take months or years to get rid of our social conditioning and give life to that inner voice again.
I am still going through a large part of these transitions myself and keep unlearning and relearning constantly.
However it all starts with one decision – A strong desire to be respectful of your child and treat them as a CEO. Once you make up that mind, rest follows suit and you would start to appreciate how natural respectful parenting is.
PS:
There is one more key aspect that helps to make respectful parenting work. Hint: cup or glass. That topic truly deserves its own post and hence not listed separately although briefly mentioned in the post above.
PS2: I know, long read, but that is what midnight ramblings turns into.